don't push your happiness into someone else's hands
they'll drop it
they'll drop it every time.
Daydream delusion, limousine eyelash / Oh baby with your pretty face / Drop a tear in my wineglass / Look at those big eyes / See what you mean to me / Sweet-cakes and milkshakes / I'm a delusion angel / I'm a fantasy parade / I want you to know what I think / Don't want you to guess anymore / You have no idea where I came from / We have no idea where we're going / Lodged in life / Like branches in a river/ Flowing downstream / Caught in the current / I carry you / You'll carry me / That's how it could be / Don't you know me? / Don't you know me by now?
sometimes you need to
bounce back -
and keep bouncing,
until you finally land.
I haven’t been able to wrap my head around my own thoughts. I wish I was in a better place right now to write more beautifully for her, but I’m a little bit broken and every time I find the words I lose them within the spinning of my head. My last visit with my grandmother I paid more attention to my grandfather. I feel a bit guilty for that – that I didn’t hug her tighter or ask more questions. I just kept staring at my grandfather trying to imagine what type of heartache he would feel for losing her. It’s like I was searching for a certain amount of love he had for her… I knew he loved her. I knew he wanted her to stay.
My grandmother died peacefully on June 23rd, 2014. She stayed awake long enough for us to go say our goodbyes and to feel her warm hands for the very last time. She left my grandfather with his duties early Sunday morning. Reminding him of our upcoming birthdays and explaining how to keep the garden healthy for the summer. I’m not completely sure if she had fixed her own bed that morning; but I imagine her doing so – even with her frail body. Her last meal was a couple of Swiss Chalet french fries. Chewing slowly as my cousin showed her pictures from the 90s. She spoke to her sister that very same day. She told me to change my nail polish colour to a nice light pink. I’m not sure where I’m going with this but I guess as I slowly wrap my head around these thoughts, I’m starting to recognize the steps she took before her passing. She was a committed woman who never left anything unfinished. Maybe she knew it was her day to die, or maybe she behaved like this every day of her life but no one really noticed until Sunday.
And as my grandfather remains heartbroken I remain shattered for him.
I love you Yiayia, enjoy your infinite garden. – Michelleche
"For her I changed pebbles into diamonds, shoes into mirrors, I changed glass into water, I gave her wings and pulled birds from her ears and in her pockets she found the feathers, I asked a pear to become a pineapple, a pineapple to become a lightbulb, a lightbulb to become the moon, and the moon to become a coin I flipped for her love..."
― Nicole Krauss, The History of Love
"Part of me is made of glass, and also, I love you."
